Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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