My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
