I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
