Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
