I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In other news, I just burned my penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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