I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
