What a fucking waste of an outfit
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
