im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
