You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
