thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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