the condom got lost in my hair
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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