..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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