I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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