What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
