he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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