Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
