I met the friendliest cop last night
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
