Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
