k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
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