I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
