wanna go halves on a baby?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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