Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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