I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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