On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
