He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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