It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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