I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
