Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
