Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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