your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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