Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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