Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
