Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
