It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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