genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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