I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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