I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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