do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
