Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
