The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Randomize
