see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
