Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
