I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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