he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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