i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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