WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
