Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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