it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
