All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
