Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
